...I wish

“I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.” Philippians 4:11

Of late, I have been asking myself if I am content with the circumstances that I have gone through/going through. July and August have been really tough for me, from ‘kosanaing’ with my dad which was really serious for me to broken relationships, to school…

So…let me tell you the story of my life. My name is Audrey, currently pursuing a degree in International Business Administration majoring in Finance at United States International University ,a third year student. It has been three years and honestly, I do not know what or why I’m doing I.B.A. kwanza FINANCE!!! Every morning when I wake up and the reality of going to school hits me, I dread going to school every single day of my life. All this is because what I do study, does not interest me, at all! Stock market, money and capital markets, corporate finance, accounting, balance sheets, finance statements??? Oh my God, I struggle understanding all these stuff.

I always wondered why I was not comfortable with my classes but one day God spoke to me. God speaks to us through many ways and I came to find out that God actually speaks to me through people, the guys around me. So this time round, He chose Maryanne (my BFF). One day she randomly decides to call me at midnight. Normally, I put my phone on silent (I deeply and passionately cherish my sleep) but this day I did not (Do you know why God spoke to many guys in the Bible in their dreams or those weird times of the night?? It is because that is the time when we are peaceful and not busy). So she tells me she was also having a hard time in her economics class. She does psychology and she was telling me the way, she would always look forward to her other classes but when it came to the economics one, her wish (always) was for the lecturer not to turn up. And I was like, that’s me…FOR EVERY SINGLE CLASS THAT I HAVE/HAD TO ATTEND. Maryanne is my sister from my other mother and I tell her everything that happens in my life. As I was talking to her, I came to realize that, I had given up on almost all my dreams of swimming, singing, playing the violin…*sigh. My passion was to do Music in the university but in the kind of society we live and the generation of my folks, music is not the kind of career that is for serious people, the kind of people who have focus in life, if they only knew. Since, I did not want to disappoint them (my parents), I went for my second choice, I think. I’m good at or is it in math? I love Math, back in high school; I loved my math and music lessons. My plan was that if they did not allow me to do Music, then I would go to USIU and do some business course and that…is where I ended up.

 If you ask me when all these happened? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know where I missed the mark, I don’t know how I ended up being like this, from being a happy girl who would always smile at all times to the girl with the monalisa smile, the kinda smile that is half genuine?

I had given up! That became my way of life, if things don’t go my way, I give up. I try to loose weight and it doesn’t seem to work out, I give up. I try to have quiet time with God, but when it seems like God is not responding, I give up. I try growing my fingernails; I give up and end up biting them (unhygienic). I try to save money but I spot these lovely earrings and nail polish that I cannot resist, I give up my savings, buy them and wear the lovely earrings once…or at times, I don’t even wear them…at all. I gave up on life, living each day with the kind of mood that I wake up in.

But you know what Maryanne asked me that day, what I will do when God asks me what I did with the gifts He gave me? I told her that I would tell him that I gave up on them, but immediately I said that, it felt soooooo wrong…I felt guilty. She then says that I shouldn’t blame God for my misery then. That right there…was a blow. The conversation went for a long time which was mostly arguing but in the end, I prayed to God and asked for help, for Him to help with the kind of situation I was going through especially my ‘school situation’. I am currently reading this book called “Celebration of Simplicity by Joyce Meyer”, (for those who know me, know the way I DON’T like reading books but I tell you, its God) and the part I was to read the following day had this verse, Philippians 4:11 “I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.”

At this point of the Bible, it tells us about being thankful for the gift God gives us (How appropriate). Paul was content because he could see life from God’s point of view. He focused on what he was supposed to do, not what he felt he should have. Paul had his priorities straight, and he was grateful for everything God had given him. Paul had detached himself from the nonessentials so that he could concentrate on the eternal. When I finished reading, I kinda felt better. As I am writing this, nowadays I read for my exams, I listen to business news and I try to read Business daily. The other day instead of watching a Nigerian movie, I watched the North Rift Investment Conference which was seeking decentralized investment in the Northern part of Rift Valley which was held in Eldoret and I found it very interesting, surprisingly. Another thing, my three friends and I have started to keep rabbits to sell. That is a good business right there. Give it six months and business will be booming for us. Research shows that rabbit meat is high in protein and it tastes really good compared to beef, and from the look of things, you my friends will be my customers…right.

I have learned to rely on God’s promises (Jeremiah 29:11) and Christ’s power to help me be content and that, if I want more, I ask God to remove the desire and teach me contentment in every circumstances for He will supply all my needs, but in a way that He knows is best for me. It is not easy but it is possible, at times I feel like giving up and I give in but you know, we serve a God of second chances. My prayer is for God to help you and I to see life from His point of view. To focus on what you and I are supposed to do, not what we feel we should have.If you are like me, you are in a school that you did not want to go to, and you do not have the guts to tell your parents about it, be content. If your plans are not going as planned, be content because God has better plans. If you think you have bad hair, be content because you haven’t seen mine (I think if I had long, black, thick hair, no one would be telling me anything #pride). If you think you have a bad dental formula, be content, smile in all the photos you take from today henceforth and compensate for all the times you did not smile because there is someone out who loves teeth that are not in line…like me, I find such attractive #justsaying. If you think you are fat or skinny, or have a dark or light complexion, there is a reason why God created us that way but remember we are equal because we were all created in His image and likeness, be content, smile and never say… I wish.

 I am proud to say that I am a soon to be farmer and a business lady.